Sonntag, 4. Februar 2018

#58 Thanks to my anxiety.

It sounds so weird, when I say, that, all in all, I am thankful for my anxiety. Of course, I am not thankful for being a person with a mental illness. But that doesn't change the fact, that I am thankful for the experiences I made because of my anxiety. And that I am the person I am right now because I experienced what I experienced. So let me sum this up by wiriting a special letter.

Dear anxiety,
you might not have seen that day coming, but here I am, smiling at you while saying 'Thank you!'
I was 14 when you put me in chains for the first time. And since then I seemed to be your victim, your hostage. For more than half my lifetime. But as you might have recognized, I raised against you. And here I stand. 
I tried nearly everything. Fighting you brutally, repressing you, running from you, ignoring you. I fell and I stood up again, ready for the next fall. And then, one day, I realized, that there is another chance. So I took all of my courage and faced you. I looked you in the eye. And then, after staring and staring, after rivers of tears and so many tries, I accepted that you are a part of me. 
You have been a part of my life for such a long time, your presence left marks on my soul. So by fighting you, by trying to get rid of you, I would fight parts of myself. And that's when I decided, that I had been at war with myself far too long. It was time for cooperation.
By facing you, strange things happened. I suddenly began to understand what happened to me those days when the lights go out. Also I figuered out, that your existence - and all the things you made me do in the past - where not my fault. I did the best I could. And now, that I knew, I had the chance to do much better.
But most of all you taught me how beautiful good moments are. There is no light without darkness. I know, other people make these experiences as well, without being ill that way. But I am not other people. 
I am the one who feels so deeply, that watching a movie could stun me for minutes just because of the feelings flowing. The one getting goosebumps all over my body because of hearing the first three tones of my favourite song. The one crying honest tears while listening to people's stories. The one being so empathetic, that I am able to feel things I didn't even experience myself.
When I started embracing you, I started embracing all the sensitivity you gave me. And I started embracing the ability to be thankful.
Today I sit here, happy as I never was. And I wouldn't be as happy as I am if I wouldn't have had you, showing me that it was definitely time to look at you. To look at myself. To find solutions. To rally. So I did. And I realized what a strong, stubborn woman I am. For the first time in so many years now I know who I am without being afraid constantly. For the first time in years I really felt the beauty in building up the kind of life I want to live instead of hiding parts of myself in a black box down in the basement while trying so much not to get hurt. I am someone. And I think I wouldn't know it that way, if I wouldn't have had you. So thanks for the awakening.

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