Mittwoch, 31. Januar 2018

#57 What birth is like.

Three goddamn weeks. Pain and trouble, tears and shivers, grey and cold, dark days and everlasting nights. Three weeks. Giant exhaustion. I AM SO TIRED. All of these ups and downs. So many topics. So many walls to tear down.

There have been so many points, where I would have run if I wouldn't love him so much. Not because he made mistakes, not because of anything being his fault. Of course, he is not perfect. But who is?
So thing is, that my old stuff came up with all its power in the last weeks. When I look back now, I know all of these topics. But all of them came with surprise und with an intensity I didn't expect. Again, I had days of not being able to work. Days of being at work but crying nearly all the time. Days of "Come on, just get the fuck through this!". Three weeks of everyday struggle, of discussions and talks, with him and with friends. Three weeks of saying the same things again and again without knowing if I will ever get answers to my questions.

Two days ago we made the decision to take a break from struggling. Time for ourselves. Time for us. Time for recovering. Time for routine. Time for breathing.
So since yesterday I feel like returning. I am able to feel myself again. I am joking, laughing, smiling, even working,  wholeheartedly. It gave me goosebumps today when I realized who I am without constantly being afraid. And most of all I already started to find answers - right in the moment I stopped seeking.
He told me months ago, that all of this is about what I WANT for my life. It's about what I WISH. So ... as usual I was late again. And the last three weeks have been the birth place of my realization of exactly THIS. I am creating my life. I am the architect. I am not here to fit in, to be easy or assimilated. I am here to show who I really am. And I deserve to be happy.

Three weeks of hell. But god, I have learned so much. I found new strategies to deal with difficult situations. I was so brave, trying new things, adjusting my priorities. And I won. Experience. Encouragement. Acceptance. Respect. Connection. I started treating myself with self compassion. I started embracing the feeling of having strong emotions on one, but being able to make intelligent decisions on the other hand. And I can feel the beauty in all of this.

Three weeks of pain. But that is what birth is like. Its hurting. And then, something beautiful is born.

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