So ... It wouldn't be me if I wouldn't have found another big topic to start my new year with. It struck me a few days ago, when I read an article about late moms:
"Hello ... Remember me? I'm your biological clock. We've been talking a few years ago, you kinda ignored me since then. Now I decided that it's time to talk. And ... well ... I hope it's okay I brought a friend home? His name is Panic, you might have met before."
Well, thanks. As a really good friend of mine said: "Ah ... That's another of these silvester things ..." Awesome.
Thing is, the biological clock itself wouldn't be that much of a problem - but while I am quite certain, that I would really like to have children in a few years, the love of my life is quite certain that he does not. And I've never been in a relationship with a man who didn't want to have children. I had "Not yet.", lots of that. But never a "Nope". And while my life changed so much in 2017, I cancelled all of my future plans and decided to enjoy what I had right in the moment as much as I could. That kinda worked. Until that moment, a few days ago.
For the first time I realized, that this relationship could be endangered. Really endangered - not by all that "wishi washi daily fears stuff". The question "Children or none?" could be a dealbreaker. And in worst case, I might be working some years on something I would want to last a lifetime - just to realize then, that there couldn't be an "us" anymore, because our plans wouldn't fit.
We've been talking about it. About our points of view, about sharing the fear to lose each other. Realizing that I suddenly really started to question "us", to ask if we'd waste each others time ... it hurt both of us. But while he didn't seem to make any move to escape, my flight instict set in instantly. And I had a quite hard time, finding my way back to "us".
It didn't take me long to realize, that my goal was set. I want this relationship. I want him. No matter what might be in a few years. But between knowing what I wanted to decide and making the decision with all my heart, I had to fight the risk minimizer, sitting in my breast for years now, being my own true love-hate. I had to get rid of my enormous craving for (the illusion of) control. I had to feel, that this love is worth any risk.
But there was another discovery to make. All the time I was stuck in thinking, that my biggest problem was, that I was always focusing on the worst case, drawing bad scenarios, hurting myself that way. Now I know that this wasn't the crucial point. Indeed, it hurts to do so. But what really paralyzed me again and again in my life was that I forbid myself to hope.
Because hope is dangerous. There is only a thin line between hopes and expectations. And if you hope, if you expect, you could be disappointed. If you hope, you make yourself vulnerable. And if you started to do so, you can't stop it anymore. You are losing control. So you better don't even start to hope. And with this, you get another problem. Because if there is no hope, things might never turn out well. So all I could do was to run. And so I did, many times.
I realized it last night, laying awake, watching his face while I could already feel myself packing up my things, running. But I was too stubborn to give in to fear. I love him so much, I can't accept that my thoughts or emotions are able to divide us. So I thought it through, again and again. Until I found my mistake. And when I realized that I am allowed to hope that this might turn out well, I instantly broke down in tears, feeling an endless relief while I was flooded with love.
I made my decision. Of course, I don't know if our positions might fit in a few years. But how could I leave him without knowing? How could I hurt myself that much by losing the best thing that ever happened to me without being able to tell myself that I tried everything? So I will stay. I will hope. And I will embrace my vulnerability, again. For this is real beauty.
Thanks to all of my girls, who gave me the chance to settle my thoughts in the last days. I am so lucky to have friends like you!
And thanks to you, my love, for being so faithful, showing me your vulnerable side - just a much as granting me stability and security by simply being there and staying by my side - again and again. Thank you for being you.